I’ve fallen in love with death, and I think that’s ok…
I think I’m crazy. No scratch that, I know I am.
Most people I have encountered interact with death in a combination of three ways. They fear it, see it, or seek it. Any other relationship with Death is abnormal — it violates the “rules and regulations” of the paradigm majority of the world has chosen to accept.
But yet I have grown to develop a new feeling toward Death. I have come to love it, and everything it can represent.
Death has gripped me of late, and now I’m enamored. Before I get too far let me say this. This will be my last piece on Medium, as well as in my current medium.
Let me explain…
I understand how jarring the opening paragraphs may have sounded so let me give perspective. With maturity, my life has started to slow down, but my mind and the synapses within my brain are moving at pre-natal speeds.
As I inch closer to three decades on this planet, my mortality is more real than its ever been to me. Yet at the same time, the child of prophecy within me has never shone so prominently.
My Prodigal Sun. That being of pure joy and serenity has never felt so bright. So excited. So alive…
This brings me to my main question. What is death?
That’s the question that sent me into a spiral of various religious texts, meditations, and some Joe Rogan podcasts. (Don’t ask)
For the sake of this muse, I’ll dissect a few words and their definitions in the Merriam-Webster dictionary. It may give you some perspective into my madness.
Stick with me, it’s about to get weird…
DEFINING DEATH
Let's start with death.
Our buddy Merriam-Webster defines death as “ a permanent cessation of all vital functions: the end of life. Or an instance of dying.
But what is life? Or dying?
Dying was defined by MW (we are on a nickname basis at this point) as approaching death or gradually ceasing to be. Whereas life had a couple of definitions that stood out to me. “The period of duration, usefulness, or popularity of something. And. The form or pattern of something existing in reality”
For transparency, these words — as do most words — have several definitions to them.
The definitions I chose spoke to me because they paint life and death as multi-dimensional concepts. Vital functions to me go beyond your heart pumping and your lungs drawing breath. It includes your being. Your raison d’etre. Your passions.
In other words, a “life” can come to an end while your body continues to live. Once a version of you that existed in this reality ceases to be, then in some ways — you’ve already died. Once a past “life” has lost its usefulness during your experience on this planet, then it’s time you realize you have already died. Hopefully, you aren’t dead.
MY FIRST DEATH
Six Years Ago I started to Delve
My infatuation with death began soon after I realized I died once before in this life. In 2016.
That was the year I wrote my first-ever blog post that would be available to the public. The piece was called Your brain is a supercomputer, be wary of programmers..
As soon as I pressed publish, who I was as a person changed drastically. I could no longer see myself as some drone marching to the beat of The Machine’s pistons churning. I was desperately, and admittedly a bit awkwardly, trying to get other people to see how capable they were and could be. In the process, I came to accept that my own possibilities were limitless, and all my eyes could see from that point on were infinite potential futures for me — and humanity.
But I would not realize that I died back then until recently.
A DEATH DATE
At the beginning of this month, I decided to not indulge in any drugs or alcohol for the entirety of the month. The reason why was unclear. I didn’t feel like I was overly dependent, my life has steadily been improving, and my purpose has never been clearer.
But yet, I received the prompt and I obliged. In these 22 days what I learned is I needed an escape from escapism. The drugs and alcohol were fun and dandy, but they were strengthening the veil covering my sight and preventing me from seeing how much more there was to seize in this life.
I replaced substances with silence and sat with my thoughts for days on end. It was in that silence that I was approached by Death. Its soft inviting aura came with a chance to start over and blaze a new trail for my life to follow.
I was dying before, and the thought of it scared me once upon a time. But now I wish I were dead. The chance for resurrection is beautiful.
How great would it be if I knew nothing?
I don't know if I’m making sense to you readers, but at the same time, nothing has ever been more clear to me.
Maybe I’m crazy, scratch that we already established I am.
I think I just need a drink…
